I haven't really realized how much I've been impacted by recent events, but tonight I think everything just kind of came together for me. I'll explain.
Since June my husband has been looking for work, and I have been needed to step in to fill in that gap. It is a joy to serve my family in this way and I am very grateful to do so. But what that does, is it puts me in a different situation than anything that I've ever been in before. It puts my husband in a different situation than he's ever been in before. Sometimes I've described it as a "role reversal"- temporary, of course, but I have to say that's not the right way to put it. My role doesn't change. I'm still called to be a godly woman and fulfill my roles that God has given me. What's different is that there is a "task reversal". Who I am doesn't change but what I do or sometimes how I do those things has had to change.
Recently, there were two interviews. As each day passed when there wasn't a phone call with a job offer, I think I got more and more discouraged. As last week ended and this one began, I knew that those moments of hope had passed, and we were right back where we were before there were those interviews.
And I know that's okay. It's okay because that's not what God would have for us right now, and if He doesn't want that for us, then it means that it's not the best.
But I'll be honest. Having hope deferred has taken a toll on me this week. I haven't been myself. I'm not sure I have words to describe that, but I just haven't been "right". "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
So, for anyone who may read this, I need to confess that I need prayer. I need to confess before the congregation that I am beaten down and tired. I need to be humble and real and honest in that I need God's people to petition the throne of grace on my behalf because I need strength to keep going.
My goal is to daily glorify God through thanksgiving, acknowledging His work. I guess today is a day that I need to glorify Him through humility and allowing others to be used by Him to lift me up. This isn't a ploy to grab attention, nor is it meant to make anyone feel sorry for me, but to simply give others the opportunity to experience God's grace through living out Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." It's an honor to live this out, and I know that I personally am blessed to do this on the behalf of others. So, I think it's my turn to need to be on the receiving end of that. I think I really need to be receiving that.
I can't be breaking down every evening or on the verge of tears at work because I'm so broken up about our life situation. That's not okay. That's not God-honoring, and it's not healthy for me.
So Lord, please be honored in my humility. Be pleased, be glorified.