So far so good right? Nothing dramatic. I just was people watching and marvelling in God's ability to create beauty. No big deal, but by the time I was pulling out of the lot and into the main road to take our groceries home, I was fighting tears.
Let me explain.
From the subject of Seble, my mind wanders to adoption, and then I wander to the desire to adopt. I was overcome with this burning and passionate desire to speed off in my car, children, groceries and all, racing towards a destination that I didn't know to a child that I don't know. I was overcome with the sensation that I had lost something and the desperate need to retrieve it and find it.
You know that feeling you get when you can't find a child? Whether it's your own child or one that you have charge over, when you cannot locate that little one there is a panic that seizes you and won't let go until the lost lamb is discovered.
I felt that. Without knowing the child to come into my family. Without knowing their skin color, their likes and dislikes, age or personality, I felt like I was torn from someone who I needed to get to. Even now as I write, there is a slight lump in my throat.
I have to wait though. I don't know when it will be time, but I know that the time will come. The Author of my family's story knows the plot and is very intentional about how it will all build. So I will sit back and be patient.
I didn't mean for my sudden outburst to show that I am not content or am not patient, but I think that it did. There's a lot of things that I know about waiting and being patient in the Lord and trusting His control in my head, but there is always a fight against flesh to make sure that it's not just in my head but in my heart.
I believe that God will move in my heart to prepare me for adoption's journey, and I know that he will work on my husband's heart to prepare him as well. That means that he will draw us together to be of one mind and to think the same way about when and how we should adopt. He will prepare us and give us faith to endure the path, with all the ups and downs, twists and turns.
So I'll wait. I'd much rather do things on God's terms than my own. Things don't go as well if I try on my own.
Father, please, by your grace, give me the faith to wait and to wait with patience for your timing in building our family.