(Before I start, I know that I numbered yesterday as 206. I never said that this challenge would show any perfections!)
There is that place that we all know when our bodies are almost at perfect peace, in sleep, but our minds are lively and active. In that place I had a wish that my husband would be able to be in full time ministry again, that he would be able to serve in that way again. Nearly as soon as the thought was completed, fear entered into my consciousness.
The experiences that we have had in full time ministry are enough to keep anyone from wanting to re-enter. In so many ways both my husband and myself have been stretched and tried. Our hearts have been broken, and we have been humbled. We have been carried along a difficult path through unemployment, task reversal, criticism, and heartache. Hope has been continually deferred.
This isn't to say that there hasn't been encouragement, or sustained strength provided by the Lord. It's just been plain hard.
The thought of putting everything on the line again for service in the pastorate, is frightening. There's nothing on the horizon, that I know of, but I know that it is the desire of my husband. And it is my desire also. It's just a little scary. It's scary being at the mercy of congregations or the goodwill of elders. They are all sinful and imperfect just like me and my husband.
So when I thought about how I wished that Casey could re-enter the pastorate, and the fear came, I was reminded of how much healing has happened. I thought about how much healing has come from the process of publishing this book that will release soon.
My husband was beaten down. There's no other way to put it. Every weakness was tried. Every fault was found. Every thing that could discourage him seemed to have come his way.
But the truth that he communicated through the Word was heard and appreciated. He was encouraged. I'm not even sure that I have the words to express all that the process has meant to healing some of the wounds that were inflicted and dispelling so much doubt.
God has preserved my husband's heart for ministry. He has used many things to do so in recent years, and one of those things is allowing this book to be published, letting Casey bless others with some truths from Scripture.
I can't say that all the fear is gone. I know that when the time comes, I'll be more confident and sure of whatever may lay ahead. It's only the unknown that I fear, and there's no use dwelling on that for more than 2 seconds, amen? Deeper than any anxiety I may have for a re-entrance into ministry, is the desire for my husband to serve others in ministry.
I am again, so thankful that Cruciform Press is publishing what Casey has written.