This is another one of those nights that I really don't feel like writing. It was a rough day. I had one of my kiddos who really gave me a run for my money today. Still tired from Thursday night's ER visit and thrown off from a day running on pure caffeine most of the day (leading to a bit of trouble getting to sleep, ugh!), I was ill prepared and not in full strength to deal with disobedience and a rebellious heart. I struggled to keep my temper and lost a few times. The ugliness that I could see in my child was sometimes mirrored by my own ugly heart or vice versa- I don't know.
What I do know is, that today I don't feel like I was much more than a failure. I can look back and think of so many instances when I could and should have done better to glorify my Savior today.
So what do I do?
What do I do when those thoughts of failure and fear come? Thoughts that I have about not being a good enough parent or ruining my testimony to my child, my precious child, that I am given responsiblity for. What do I do when I get afraid that rebellion will take root in one of my children's heart or both (oh, Lord help me!)? What do I do?
I already said it.
Oh Lord help me!
The biggest problem with today, if I'm being honest is that I wasn't tapped into the Vine. I wasn't looking for help. I wasn't leaning on Him for strength, wisdom or peace.
All I ever have to say is, "Lord help me!"
If the Lord tarries tonight, I'll be given a clean slate in the morning. Everything will be fresh, and the mercies will be renewed. Here's what I plan to do:
Before I get out of bed, before my feet touch the floor, I need to cry out to my Savior the simple prayer.
Lord help me!
Cry, submit, repeat as needed... and then some.