St. Patrick's Day Pink

This time of year is poignant for my family. We are reminded in daily doses of God's provision for us two years ago. Our adoption story was a long time simmering that climaxed with a raging boil. Within 48 hours of learning of our daughter's existence, she was ours. Detail upon detail fell in to place showing God's hand in bringing our daughter to us, from her name, her birthday, each little thing was an affirming whisper of God's grace.

The most stunning visual is in the burst of pink we see each year in cherry blossoms.

Yes, cherry blossoms.

When Kara was in the NICU, we worked each day to help our daughter heal. Brilliant therapists worked alongside us and doctors to help her learn how to eat and relax, to grow and be ready to come home.

I remember one day I was on a walk, and I was reveling in the beautiful cherry blossoms that had newly bloomed. The sun was shining, and I was missing my little baby girl who was in another city. I had appointments that day that kept me in town while my husband got to spend the day with her.

I began to pray.

A thought came into my mind.

But I wasn't sure I could ask what I thought. Is it okay to pray that way? What if God didn't want to answer?

It was then that I was reminded we can approach the throne of grace with confidence. Christ is sitting as my great High Priest waiting to make intercession for me.

So I asked.

"Lord, please bring Kara home before the cherry blossoms fall."

There. I did it. I didn't know if God would do it. I knew he could, but I just hoped he would. I didn't know what number of days that was, but it was just something that came to mind. And I dared to pray boldly. Sometimes it takes faith to just ask what we don't know God wants to give us.

As the days passed, our sweet girl improved. March went on, and the cherry blossoms held fast. I was watching them, and on March 15 our girl's gavage (her feeding tube) came out. The doctor's words were, "She's on the clock."

What that meant was our littlest Little K needed to eat well by herself and show that she could thrive on her own. It also meant we needed to demonstrate an ability to feed her.

March 16th I spent the night in the NICU because the doc was ready to send her home the next day.

On March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, Kara was ready to go home, and the trees were still full of pink blossoms. Pink was a much better color that day than green.

God answered. He answered a simple prayer, prayed in a bold whisper.

"Lord, please bring Kara home before the cherry blossoms fall."

And he did.

This year, my husband and I are apart on Kara's Homecoming Day.
He saw this in the Paris airport: Cherry Blossoms.

What happened when I watched the Planned Parenthood videos

I had read about them, saw the wide reactions and decries for defunding, but I didn't watch them. I just didn't want to. I didn't think I could stomach it.

I was right.

Finally, I followed a Facebook link and watched the latest Planned Parenthood video (as of now, there are up to ten), and it did make me sick. I watched as negotiations were made about how in tact a specimen could be, that nurses can accommodate the procedure to get certain parts at different stages of development. I had to cover part of my phone screen because I couldn't look at the mutilated body parts anymore.

I wept.

I felt ill, and the thing is, I couldn't go back to just praying for abortion victims or hoping that somehow this startling evidence could change the tide and lead to overturn Roe v. Wade.

You see, my eyes were open to the fact that I have failed. The Church has failed. Our nation has failed. Every time a woman in crisis thinks that her best solution is to have a child ripped from her womb is a failure to give her real choices and meet her needs, and we have blindly looked the other way thinking that someone else will help her.

I can support Crisis Pregnancy Centers, and advocate for adoption education, but the fact is, God was stirring my heart that I needed to do something. It was time for me to get in to the lives of women in crisis and let things get personal.

I needed to get messy.

I felt it pressed hard on my heart that is was time to get in the messy mire of crisis and let Jesus use me to help make beauty from ashes.

What could I do though? I have limited time, and limited ability to help as I have a young one at home. I already have a few irons in the fire, and our family is stretched at times to keep up with the ministry of pastoral life,

I wasn't sure how to answer the stirring in my heart.

So when my friend Beth approached me after church to tell me about a ministry that was within walking distance of my home, I listened.

I looked up Lucille's Home on Facebook and read the story of how it came about. I read about what they want to do to meet women in crisis situations and be an answer to give them hope. Our family attended their open house to see His House and even meet some of the residents.

I found myself talking to one of the women staying at the house, and I listened to her story. I cried with her and prayed over her, gave her my cell phone number.

I entered the mess.

Just this last week, I met with Sharon, the director and founder of Lucille's Home, and as she sat in my living room, we shared stories, and I listened to how God opened one door after another to bring about this work. She told me that their greatest need was for these women to have friends- other women who could listen to their stories, share the love of Christ, and be a support while sharing truth from God's word. Sometimes they might need a ride. Sometimes they might need a shoulder to cry on.

I can do that!

I can open up my home for visits and play dates. I can be a friend. I can offer rides and prayer.

I'm a part of our church's MOPS ministry, and I can bring a friend there to get support and friendship from others in the body of Christ. After all, we are just moms who need God's grace too.

I don't write this because I've got a bunch of answers, or because I know how any of this will play out. But I do know that there are many like me who look at giant problems and think, "What could I do?!?" I know I did. Whether it's a refugee crisis, the slaying of the unborn, or any of the thousands of troubles that plague our fallen world. What could a stay-at-home mom do with no training or degrees or special resources?

This has been my personal challenge. I share it because maybe you're in the same place. Maybe you're not there yet. Maybe you want to be there, and needed to read this to get there. I don't know.

I do know that what Christians have been doing in the last decades falls short. We've turned away and let others take care of it. We got comfortable in our pews- or cushy cool-toned chairs- and stopped reaching out in to the world where things get really messy. I know I have. I don't want to anymore. Jesus didn't do things that way, and I don't think I could go wrong trying to follow his example.

In Which I Make a Floral Swag

I recently made a super fun floral swag, and I wanted to keep track of all the patterns I used for it. I got the idea from here, and hers turned out so pretty! It's such a neat piece that I can imagine making other ones in different color schemes or themes, but I definitely would want to streamline the process as it took many many hours to put this bad boy together! I tried different flower patterns, and made up a few of my own! Here they are:

1. Violets
2. 6-Petal Bitty Flower: In to a Magic Ring do the following... hdc, tr, tr, hdc, sl st 6x's to create each petal. Pull tight to close and fasten off. (At least I THINK that's what I did. I only made two and I did them kind of fast and never wrote them down! They were a last addition to get a little more yellow in the garland!)
3. Daisies (Don't use a soft yarn for the petals. They will curl too much. Using the cheap Red Heart Super Saver yarn worked best because it is more stiff)
4.  Roses and Leaves
5. Forget-me-nots: In to a magic ring, crochet the following (I used a size H hook)- ch 2, tr, ch 1, tr, hdc, sl st- First petal made. {hdc, tr, ch 1, tr, hdc, sl st} to make 4 more petals. Pull ring tight and fasten off.
6. Buttercups (If I were to do these over, I would do only 4 petals. I think these could pass as Dogwood blossoms as well)
7. Three Layer Flower (You can stop at any of the layers and have a cute flower!)
8. Little Blues: In to a magic ring 6 sc, sl st to finish round and pull right tight to close. Switch colors and do 2 sc in each st for 12 sc total, sl st to finish round. Switch colors. {5 dc in first stich, sl st in the next st, 5 dc in the next stitch" repeat to make 6 petals total.
9. Large Leaf: Follow the pattern for the small leaf, except start with a ch 10, and do the following on each side: sc, hdc, dc, tr, 2tr, tr, dc, hdc, sc - Leave the picot the same as in the pattern above.

Leaving long tails on the flowers is helpful because that's what you use to sew them all together. I left too many out though. It got kind of awkward and messy. I would only leave one out per flower and just use that to sew. If making a garland that has some sort of symmetry to it, make flowers in even numbers. I had just 3 roses, and needed to make another at the end because it didn't look right!

To assemble, I just arranged the flowers how I wanted them to lay, and then sewed accordingly. Sewing on the BACK of stitches keeps the ugliness of the sewing stitches from showing.

To make hooks, just do chain stitches to create a "rope," Chaining about 8, and then slip stitching in the the first chain gives a good loop, if you wish.

That's it!

Kelly and Shelly's Heart Garlands

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; is love endures forever.

Psalm 107:1

Around my house are reminders of truths we find in God's Word, and this year in February, I'm going to have heart garlands that will remind me of God's love for us!

Back in the Fall of 2014 my friend Michelle {Shelly} and I began learning some different patterns of shapes like stars, leaves, snowflakes, and it all started when someone asked her to make a rainbow heart garland like this one. So she started working on finding a free pattern and tweaking it to make her own. And now I just made up a mini-heart pattern! Shelly likes the "sassy" point of the heart I make! I like how each of the patterns are super simple and can be made quickly. This is my first time ever writing or sharing patterns like this, so hopefully you all can get it!

Here are the two patterns seen in the collage above.

Kelly's Mini-Heart Pattern

Hook Size: Any!
Yarn: Any!
This pattern is written in US terms

ch= chain stitch
sc= single crochet
hdc= half double crochet
dc= double crochet
sl st= slip stitch

To begin you have two options. You can start with a Magic Ring (which I learned how to do here, or do a quick search on YouTube), or you can start with Chain 4, and sl st in to the first chain to create a loop.

*Note: With the Chain 4 start, you will want to crochet your stitches OVER your tail from where you attached your yarn to your hook. This will allow you to pull the center of your heart tight, closing the hole.

Each stitch is made in to the center of the ring (be it a Magic Circle or Chain 4 Loop)- not in to the stitches.

Ch 1
1 dc
2 tr
1 dc
1 hdc
1sc
Mini Picot- Ch 2, sl st in to first chain
(now you will work the pattern backwards)
1 sc
1 hdc
1 dc
2 tr
1dc
Ch 1
Sl st into the center of the ring, fasten off

Pull anchor string tight to close the center of your heart and weave in ends.

Shelly's Heart Pattern

Hook Size: Any!
Yarn: Any!
This pattern is written in US terms

ch= chain stitch
sc= single crochet
hdc= half double crochet
dc= double crochet
sl st= slip stitch

Shelly always starts this with a Magic Ring, but I have had success with the Chain 4 start as well, but since this is HER pattern, I'm recommending starting with the Magic Ring. It's not as scary as it seems- I promise. This pattern in particular is a good one to use as a practice pattern to master the Magic Ring!

Round One: Crochet 11 dc in to a Magic Ring, sl st to join and pull ring tight

Round Two:
Chain 2, and in the same stitch, do 1 dc and 2 tr
2nd Stitch- 3 tr
3rd Stitch- dc, hdc
4th Stitch- hdc 

5th Stitch- hdc 

6th Stitch- (the point) hdc, ch1, dc, ch1, hdc 

7th Stitch- (now repeat backwards) hdc 

8th Stitch- hdc 

9th Stitch- hdc, dc 

10th Stitch- 3 tr 

11th Stitch- 2 tr, dc, ch 2, then slip stitch in to the first stitch, fasten off and weave in ends

These two patterns look super cute together! You can alternate them on a string to make a garland, or use one or the other. You can scatter them on a table for decoration too! 

#2014Crochet

At the beginning of 2014 I decided that I needed to brush up on my rusty crochet skills. I had learned to crochet from my mother, but I never made anything other than a scarf or dish cloth, and I wanted to change that! I made it a goal to be able to make a doily at the end of the year. It seemed somewhat lofty, but I was determined to do some fun things! Here's how the journey went...

January

I started the year off with something fun- a braided infinity scarf. I used a large hook, and so it had a really loose, funky feel to it. I gave it to my sister. Within 10 days of the new year, I had already made something! Fun start!

My next trick was to learn how to make a Granny Square. I like the look of them and the blankets made from them are super fun. It seemed like a simple thing that every crocheter needs to learn, and mastering this stitch has led to other projects and ideas (as you will see later).

This is the very first square I made. It was out of a beautiful burgundy yarn I got in a bargain bag. 

My bargain burgundy yarn inspired this! I made this for my grandmother, and she loved it. It was a lap blanket that fit on her lap perfectly. But alas, it is no more! Someone washed it in a regular cycle and it ripped in some places. I"m currently frogging it, and maybe it can be recycled in to something new!

I've always like those headband ear warmers- especially the ones that my friend Michelle makes! So I wanted to give that a try. At first I really wanted to make a cable knit one, but after giving it a few tries, I gave up. Maybe now I can try again, but I ended up finding a pattern that taught me the Camel Stitch. I looks like knit, but it's crochet! Again, this was a handy new stitch to learn. 

I made this pattern a few times. One I made for myself (shown below), and then I tried to make one for Norah. But that one was too small for her, so I got to give it away. Finally I made her another. But this was a quick and easy pattern that I enjoyed making. Again, this one will come up later!

February

Next I began to explore slouch beanies. I learned the Puff Stitch, and I think this is one of my favorite patterns I tried this year.

Haddon wanted a beanie too, so I made him a more "boyish" one!

March

As Easter approached, my friend Michelle and I saw a chance to do a fundraiser for earning money for our adoption. You see, we were going to need to renew our home study and order new photo books. I thought that I could make a bunch of bunnies and do an online auction called Bunnies for Books to help with the cost of getting the photo books.

As it turned out, on March 8th our lives changed forever! Karalynn joined our family and we no longer needed to raise any more funds because our adoption journey had reached its end! We didn't need to renew our home study and obviously we didn't need to order more books. So while I sat in the NICU with my new daughter, I still crocheted little squares that could be stuffed and sewn in to little bunnies that could be auctioned off for our friends for THEIR adoption fund. 

Thus began Bunnies for Baby McCain! It was so much fun, but a lot of work! These bunnies raised $300 for our friends, and it was such a joy to support them!

April

As you can imagine, after Kara came home, I didn't have too much time to crochet, so my projects were on hold for a little while!

May

I began to put Kara's room together, and she needed a blanket for the rocking chair in her room. So I went back to another Granny Square pattern, and put it together with a Classic Granny Square. I also learned a joining technique and made her a super cute blanket to go on her chair! I love it, and it might be my most favorite thing that I made this year.

It took seeking advice and learning from other crocheters. I didn't follow a pattern exactly, but pieced something together on my own. It was a long process, but I really enjoyed it and really really like the end product!

June

Not much was made after that major project! Again, having a little baby held up some crafting I could have been doing!

I did manage to mess around with learning a Granny Triangle though! I made Kara these sweet little barefoot sandals!

But Haddon's birthday was coming, and he wanted to have a Harry Potter birthday. He would obviously be sorted in to Hufflepuff House, so he needed a shirt and scarf to fit in with the rest of the Hufflepuffs.

July

I love the way his t-shirt and scarf turned out! (I kind of want a shirt for myself!)

August, September, October

In August I broke my finger! So that put the halt on crocheting. But I was able to help my little Snow White for Halloween.

November

In November we had a major cold snap! Norah didn't have anything to wear to keep her head warm. So I took advantage of the weather and made her something- especially since I had made a beanie for Haddon. This is another instance in which the Granny Stitch is so fun! She loves her beanie.

And, the Camel Stitch came in handy again too! I made this sweet headband ear warmer for Karalynn because of the same cold snap, and my friend Katherine liked it so much, she needed to have one for her little girl, Avery. (I also made Kara a second one that is black with silver yarn with a red bow on it- but it was a little too big! So she doesn't wear it!)

I used gold sparkle yarn to make Avery's head band perfect for the holidays! I am so happy with how it turned out- and seriously, could she be any cuter?!

Not only did I get in to these sweet head bands, but I also started making garlands for craft bazaar season! I learned how to make stars and snowflakes. Michelle and I also made different leaves to make fall garlands. What was nice about learning these patterns was that it taught me how to follow a step-by-step pattern to create a shape. 

December

Once craft bazaar season was over, I finished a sparkly snowflake garland for Michelle's Christmas tree. I never took a picture, but it was a pretty quick thing to make. I used the leftover white sparkly snowflakes from the season, and alternated red sparkly ones with them. I actually just saw it for the first time on her tree today, and I was glad to see that it was long enough and worked so nicely with her white, silver and red tree!

Update: SHE took a few pictures for me! So here's a little glimpse of her garland....

Then I needed to do something that I had planned on doing for most of the year, and that was make a hat for Kim. On Facebook, I participated in a "pay it forward" exercise, and I had intended to make her a beanie. So I go that done in time to give it to her on Christmas Eve! I used the same pattern that I did for Norah's beanie, but Norah's somehow became a slouch beret beanie looking thing- which was cute! So I tried to duplicate it for Kim, and I ended up making the hat the way it was supposed to be! Whoops! She still liked it, and it was fun to make it!

Then it was time to make something for myself! I had been eyeing this pattern that I found on Pinterest for a long time, and I finally had the chance to make it. It was able to do it in a couple days and finished it just in time to wear it the Sunday after Christmas! I love it! 

For this hat, I used the pattern written for the main part, and then instead of following the pattern completely, I did rows of Camel Stitch and then finished with the scalloped edging. I learned to make the flower from another tutorial. So I kind of pieced this one together on my own! I just took elements from other things I had learned.

Finally, it was time to make a doily! So the night before we left for TLC- Teen Leadership Conference- I sat down and found a pattern that looked easy enough to follow that I liked. I knew I needed to start it before we left because we would be spending New Year's Eve at the camp.And here's what I came up with!

While we were in the cold of Antelope, Oregon, I started making this beanie for Haddon to wear with his Hufflepuff scarf- because his other one just is a little too much with it! I didn't get it finished before we rang in the new year, but I did finish it this morning!

There! I actually stuck to my 2014 resolution, and it was so much fun to do! I so enjoyed the journey and love that I have things in my home that I made myself or jgot to make things for people I love. I was even able to make a little bit of money!

I think I will continue to learn and grow and make things in the new year. I already have a queue of patterns I want to try and make!

A Rainy Christmas Eve Morn Moarn

It's been about a month since my grandmother passed away. This has been a busy month filled with errands and sickness and wrapping up jewelry making. It's just how Decembers are. I have set limits on how much I was willing to do, and took on things that I wanted to do. A good balance of busy was maintained- though I have been weary.

But this week my littlest has really been suffering from a severe cold. She can't breathe well. Her nose is so snotty, and I can tell she's just miserable, and she has shared her misery with her daddy and I as we have had to lose sleep rocking and comforting her in the wee hours of the morning.

Last night was no different than the pattern that she has established with this bear of a cold, but it was her worst night yet. I held her for over an hour as she just cried and whined. I think it was simply that she felt rotten and couldn't sleep. Honestly, I feel like behaving that way when I have a cold such as what she has!

So from about 4:30 in the morning until nearly 6:00 we had our own storm inside our home as the rain beat down on the walls and roof of our house.

That gives a lot of time for my mind to wander from subject to subject.

I knew that it was Christmas Eve, and I started thinking about what December 23rd was often like for me- torture. You see, Christmas Eve was more Christmas than Christmas was because that's when we would have my grandmother over. We would have some sort of meal (it always changed), and it was her greatest delight to celebrate our Savior's birth with giving gifts. I have yet to meet another person who takes such delight in gift giving, and she was good at it! My sister and I would get completely spoiled on Christmas Eve- as I believe all grandchildren should be. (I completely intend to spoil my grandchildren to the best of my ability and to God's glory.) So December 23rd was torturous, and then to top it off. Christmas Eve day was an absolute nightmare. To wait for that glorious moment when there would be a knock on the door and my grandmother, gifts in hand (or arms, or however she hauled in the loot) would arrive. That meant we could eat, and then we could open presents!

Every year, throughout my life this is what would happen on Christmas Eve. Even in my adult life, we would all gather at my mother's home for Christmas Eve and celebrate together. There are a few exceptions like when we lived out of state or when my grandmother was in Idaho when her mother died, but overall, I can count the number times when we weren't together on December 24th on one hand.

Today is another to add to the hand count, and that's why it's an exceptionally difficult day that I have not looked forward to. Circumstances this year are such that we will celebrate with my side of the family the day after Christmas, and I'm so grateful to still get together.

But it isn't the same.

At the early morning hours it hit me like the pounding rain outside, that it will never ever be the same. My grandmother will never be with me again for another Christmas Eve.

So I laid my sleeping daughter in her crib, and walked to the living room and let tears flow.

I guess this is how mourning is. Sometimes I will be fine, and other times I will just cry.

As I wept, I thought of how ugly this moment was. It was also sweet though. In the darkness of the early morning, with the rain pounding, I got a faint whiff of the delicious scent of our Christmas tree. As a tree is in your home, you get used to the smell so that you really don't smell it anymore, but every once in a while you get that breeze of subtle fragrance, and in that moment it came.

I was reminded of the season. I remembered my Savior born in to this world with pain and grief and loss. I breathed in both the sweet evergreen scent and that blessed truth and let it wash over me bringing comfort and joy.

Tidings of comfort and joy.

Christ's first advent gives me hope because my grandmother believed in him. I believe in him. That means that though she and I won't be together again on any more Christmas Eves, I will be together with her again in the presence of our Savior. Because he came, he made a way for us to be with him.

So I will go through the day today carrying grief in my heart marbled with comfort and joy. I made a special breakfast, and we will have a delicious late lunch. I will try to muster up some energy to do something semi-memorable with my big kids (I. Am. So. Tired.), and in the evening we will join our church family and worship our Lord. After the service, we will go out to dinner, and then at home, after we have read Twas the Night Before Christmas and our advent reading, my husband and I will have a quiet busy time after the kids are in bed. We will play the part of elves as we stuff our children's stockings and place presents under the tree.

I will choose to carry Christ's comfort with me as it carries me through today and always.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 

the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 

who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

A Thrill of Hope

I am weary.

My housework to-do list is longer than the time I have to complete it.

I am weary.

My daughter doesn't sleep through the night, and she is ten months old.

I am weary.

Cold and flu season has been cruel to our household.

I am weary.

Less than a week before Thanksgiving, I lost my grandmother suddenly- though expected.

I am weary.

Are you weary this Christmas season? I am. I am tired, grumpy, worn out, and grieving. I have lost my temper too easily, and have felt quite selfish at times. I have been overwhelmed by the tasks that have laid in front of me and the failures that have laid behind me.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining... 

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. (Galatians 4:4)

...till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.

Sometimes it feels like I can't take much more, like my heart, head, or soul might explode from the tension of battling weariness, sin, and discouragement. Then I remember truth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Christ came. He was born through labor- hard labor- with manure, sweat, hay, livestock to season the sweetness of his newborn cry. He came in to our ugly, sinful, wretched world under the law, born through the pain of childbirth, a symptom of the curse that is on all mankind since the fall in Eden.

He came to redeem it all. He came to break the yolk of the law and set us free as sons and daughters. He came to ransom me. He came to ransom you. He came to make us his own.

Truth gives me a thrill of hope. Though weary, my soul sings for joy at the hope this truth gives. So I can rejoice through pain and loss, frustration and being overwhelmed. 

Christ came! He came so that I can be free! And because I am his, I can look forward to that glorious future when he returns to make everything right. Every tear wiped away. Every hurt made right. Every injustice. Every way that I have hurt and been hurt will be reconciled. 

Even in this fallen world as we wait his second advent, I can rejoice in his first. It gives me the thrill of hope. 

Fall on your knees! Oh hear the angels' voices!

Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!

(Luke 2:14)

What I Shared On Orphan Sunday

I was an orphan.

I have never known the details of the circumstances surrounding my birth, but I do know that I was born with a need to be redeemed, taken in to a family, and given my best chance. There was nothing that I could do for myself to remedy it.

But God was working in the hearts of my soon-to-be-family. He led my father to start up a conversation with one of his clients that led him to find out about my birth mother's situation. He led my mother to be ready to open her life and heart to another child, and he was moving in my sister's heart. Every night she would pray, “Dear Jesus, please give me a sister just like me.”

Praise the Lord he chose to answer her prayer! On April 15, 1981, after years of waiting, I came home at 2 days old. I'm told that my sister raced to the door- she had to to beat my mother to it.

That day, I ceased being an orphan. I had a family. I was theirs and they were mine. I had a place to belong. I had a hope and a future. My past was erased, and I was given a new name, a new identity, and my best chance. I was fatherless no more. I was adopted.

I wish everything was rosy from that time on, but my family went through some very difficult times. My father chose to walk away from me, my sister, and my mother. He stepped out of our lives and left me with a broken and angry heart.

I went to church, and a private Christian school where I learned about Jesus and his love for me. I believed in Him, his death on the cross and his resurrection, but it wasn't until I was 9 years old that I saw how my sin was keeping me from knowing Christ as my friend. I saw that I was lost, without hope, and needed redeemed. Because of my horizontal adoption, I realized that I needed a vertical adoption because just as my earthly father had turned his back on me, so had I turned my back on my Heavenly Father- making me fatherless.

I was an orphan.

But God reached down and answered my prayer and forgave me. He washed me clean, gave me a new hope and a new future. He was my very best chance. God gave me a new identity in him. I was fatherless no more. I was adopted.

I was adopted- twice.

These two acts have been two of the most defining things of my life. Because of God's great love in providing a future for me through adoption, it was evident that I needed to do the same. This past year Casey and I had the honor of adopting our youngest daughter. It was costly. It required sacrifice, and love, and faith.

It has become another defining moment in my life pointing me back to my Heavenly Father and his great sacrifice and love that give me faith in Him, to make me his child.

Healing

For almost two years, I was in a very dark time. Every day was the weight of seeing my husband torn down by people who should have been the first in line to build him up. Don't get me wrong. There were ups and downs and good and bad in that span of two years, but during that time there were a lot of wounds inflicted on our family. Slanderous accusations, disapproving remarks and sometimes silence, slowly gnawed at my husband. It was a time that altered him.

When we were young with our rose-colored glasses securely set on our green noses, we took vows to stay together for better or worse... etc. We had no idea what some of that "worse" would be, and how God would use it to draw us closer and closer to Christ, and by his grace, each other.

My husband and I retreated from those painful two years a bit battered and bruised, wounded and hurt. We didn't understand what in the world the Lord was doing. Why did he even bother sending us into a ministry that was going to chew us up and spit us out like that? It never made sense. What happened there never made sense, and in many, many ways even now, it doesn't make any sense. I just simply trust that on the other side of glory it will be clear, and pray that on this side of glory, maybe I can have glimpses of God's divine tapestry he is weaving.

Lately, I have been getting a glimpse of maybe why we went through those two years of pain. It has taken a good two years to even get a small view of what God has been weaving. I guess that makes me a kind of slow to catch on, or maybe not. Maybe God is simply taking his time to weave a very intricate pattern. Either way, it's a design that's taken at least four years to take shape- at least to my finite mind.

I think that we were more wounded than we realized. We needed a lot of healing that I'm not sure I could even see in some ways. It seemed like we were pretty okay, considering the beating we had taken. We took it pretty well in stride, for the most part, but slowly, God has been working a detailed pattern in my heart to bring about a beautiful picture, a delicate, and subtle balm of healing.

Today my husband preached in our church. It wasn't the first time, but something stood out to me today as it never has before. One of our pastors introduced Casey, and spoke about how he has been a blessing to the church and that he likes his preaching.

It wasn't anything extraordinary. In fact, that has been the pattern in our church. We have been showered with love and affection. We have been supported and embraced. We have been welcomed and appreciated. We have been accepted just as we are for who we are.

The only thing that was extraordinary about today is that I understood something that God has been doing. He has been healing. For the months and years that we have been fellowshiping and sharing our lives with the believers in our church, God has been slowly mending our wounds.

Casey has time after time, been encouraged and affirmed. After his season of being brought down time after time, he has had loving and godly men build him up. His leadership has been welcomed and wanted. He has been supported and loved.

As a wife who had to watch as he was hurt over and over again, it has been so good for my heart to see him loved and lifted up.

If the only reason for our season of trial was to experience the healing power of God, then that is reason enough. If God allowed hurt and pain for that time, so that he could simply show himself as Healer through the Holy Spirit moving his people to love us, then that is enough for me.

This is the first time that I have been able to see any purpose in the plan that God had for us. Until now, it has been through sightless faith that I trusted that there must have been something that he was doing in it all, and that it was for our good. I know that because time after time he has proven faithful, and has always kept his word. I have just been waiting.

Now I can see. I can see one thing, one good, big thing that has come from that dark time. God is Healer. He brings healing in time, through faith and through love. It's nothing new or that I didn't know before. It's just bigger, if that makes sense.

Sometimes those beautiful, intricate patterns that God weaves take more time. Or at the very least, it takes me a while to see it.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time..."

Ecclesiastes 3:11a

Word Thoughts

As our family has stepped out in faith on a long-awaited journey to adopt, I've been challenged to think about what that word means. Words are funny in this way. You can say a word to ten people and those ten people may have ten different things that they thought of when you said that word. Our experiences can range so widely when it comes to what we think and understand.

I've been challenged to think of the word adoption differently. For me, I first have always thought of my own adoption into my family, the blessings that have come from it, and the hope for it shaping my family more. I think that I need to think of the word differently. I've been thinking of it in a very temporal sense. I need to first think of it in an eternal sense.

I'm finding that being adopted in Christ takes precedence over all other associations with that word. As valuable as earthly adoption is, my adoption as a child of God is at the very core of my existence. When I think of that word, I want to think of the gospel first, and then earthly adoption second. My hope is that the church can become so saturated with this key doctrine and understanding of the gospel and our identity in Christ that we think gospel first, earthly adoption second.

The word isn't in Scripture all that much, but the concept is. Over and over we read of old self, old life and being brought into new life in Christ. We are found in Christ. We are joint heirs with Christ. Our father becomes God the Father. We are part of one body, one family in Christ. All of these things point to being adopted, grafted in, redeemed, taken from one place and brought to another, given a new identity, being born again. It's all summed up in that one word: adoption.

This is my new challenge, and maybe you'll be challenged as well. I want to search the Scriptures and look for all the ways that doctrine pops up. I can think of so many just off the top of my head! (You can read the verbiage in the previous paragraph!)

Even as my family pursues earthly adoption, I don't want just my family to grow, but I want my perception to grow. I want to think of who I am in Christ first, and then all other things second. When I hear that word, that precious, grace-filled, hope-saturated word, I want to think of how I am bought with a price, and that I am not longer who I was before I was saved, but I am the Lord's. I am his child.

I'll take it.

I won't say much about the fizzle at the end of the year. I can make excuses and such. I can feel guilty about not posting, but I won't. I think for a high goal as I had, and with the stage of life that I'm in, I can be proud of what I did accomplish as I sought to give God glory every day. Whether I wrote about it or not, a habit has been instilled in my heart to always seek out his glory and find his grace even when circumstances seem dark or my heart is far removed from its first love. Rejoicing in God's grace isn't a thing to do if I feel like it, it is a standard commanded and to be fought for. It isn't easy at times in this finite world to have faith in the infinite.

If that's the only thing (and it's not) that I can take from my personal challenge in 2011, then it is worth it. With all the bumps and bruises, failures and triumphs, and many, many moments of humility, I think God used it as a fire to refine me more.

I'll take it.

Day 349: Welcome Home, Obadiah

So excited to bless my children with their first *real* pet! Obadiah is a sweet cat, and we've had a blessed first day.
Merry Christmas to my beautiful babies!

Lord, thank you for allowing us to adopt Obie. 

May he be a sweet blessing in our home. May we bless him, and may he bless us! 

God bless us, everyone!

Day 348: I'm a little off

I'm off. My count is off. My 2011 resolution is very off, and I have failed at many points. You know, that's kind of the story of my life.

I fail at so many points. I need a Savior to cover up those failures with a grace that runs deep and wide. I think that's something that has really stood out to me this year. Every day the goal is to give blessing to God through gratitude and praise, to recognize his grace that he gives me every day despite my heart condition or mood.

That practice has not only built me up but made me humble.

I'm glad that I did this. I know I've mentioned that before, but I'll write it again.

Day 347: The Goings Ons

Christmas is coming fast. And there are lots of going-ons going on. There are Christmas lights to see, and cookies to bake, and stuff to do.

Tonight was another occasion of that.

My husband had a work party, and so we went. There's really not much to tell about it. I've had a cold, and have lacked sleep, so combine those two things and I wasn't very chipper.

I feel bad. I wanted to be more talkative and friendly, but I was just struggling. In fact, I had my husband drop me off at home before picking up the kids so that I could go straight to bed. Then I proceeded to have an on-off sleeping experience. So that was lame, but what are you going to do?

Another fun thing was my son having a Christmas party with his pre-school. He had a blast, and I am so thankful for his teacher and the experiences he is having there. He's really blossoming this year.

In a neighboring town they have a neighborhood that puts lights on most of the houses, and so we went out there (instead of staying home and watching a depressing board meeting or going to it). I'll tell you, my son is a crack up. If he saw a nativity scene, he would exclaim, "Oh look! Jesus!" or "There's God!" So that was pretty great.

All we have left that is an actual "event" is the little Christmas program at church.

I'm not sure if we'll do a Hanukkah night this year, even though I want to.

We're just getting a little bombarded with all the goings-ons.

Lord, let not any busyness of the season keep me from the joy found in you.

Day 346: Grotto

My husband and I have great friends. Today I'm thankful for these people.

Nuf said.

Day 345: The One In Which The Vote Happens

We've been anticipating December 13th for a long time now. Last month I was able to go to a school board meeting and watch as a panel of seven people listened to parents give testimony and try to sway at least four of them to keep my daughter's school open. This month I wasn't at the board meeting, but it was the one we were waiting for. Tonight was the moment of truth.

The vote happened, and in a heart-breaking loss of 3 votes to 4, my daughter's school was closed. Budget cuts are necessary. I know that. All across the country there are boards just like this one, making difficult decisions. I think the last thing a district does is close schools, but it is what it is.

Now we have to make some educational decisions for our kids. We transferred them intentionally into this school, and now we have a lot of things to weigh out, and a lot of questions on what affect closing the school will have on the whole area.

Lord, thank you that school boards aren't sitting on the throne, but you are.

Day 344: Cookies

My friend had us over to make cookies, and it was a nice time to enjoy company and have the kids play. My son discovered markers that you can use on cookies, and my daughter got to stir frosting.

There is something so simple and fun about holiday baking. I'm glad we took time out to do that tonight.

The only thing I really must make is my candy cane swirl cheesecake, and then I'll feel accomplished!

I'm glad that God gives us traditions and delicious goodies that we can share.

Lord, let me remember that your Son is the sweetest gift ever, 

and that all the goodies of Christmas would remind me of that.

Day 343: Just Not Like Last Week, Please

I've wept. I've been angry. I've been exhausted and tried. I've prayed. I've whined.

You name it, and I've probably felt it this week. Between, hearing my work news, to being provided for, to being excited about picking up the kitten, there's just been a gamut of emotions. On top of all these things, it's been a crummy mom week.

I have been dealing with whining, disobedience, angry outbursts, and sassing. It has come from both children, and my oldest has been leading the charge.

Tonight, the camel's back broke. I calmly, after being sassed at bedtime, told my firstborn to go to the kitchen and wait for me. Leaving my son in his top bunk, I entered the kitchen and brought out the Tabasco. She had talked disrespectfully too much. I needed a strong object lesson.

Judge me if you will. I had to do something, and since this was the most calm and humane thing I could think of, this is what I chose.

As I put the Tabasco on the spoon, I prayed that it wouldn't hurt my daughter, that she wouldn't throw up or that she wouldn't hate me forever for using this punishment. I prayed for the Lord to give me words to speak to her as to why I was giving her the hot sauce and why her behavior not only deserved it, but why it was not to continue.

Well, she almost threw up, and she cried. She thought I was mean, but the lesson sunk in. I told my daughter, my precious daughter that as much as she doesn't like the Tabasco, that's how much I don't like being spoken to in the way that she had, and it's how much it hurts God when He sees that kind of behavior.

It was a powerful object lesson.

I have no idea if it will be remembered tomorrow, but I do know that tonight she hasn't disobeyed since. I do know that it made an impression, and that I cannot and will not have another week like this last week. I will lose my mind if I have another week like this last week.

Lord, please don't let this week be like last week. 

It's a simple prayer,  and I need you to fill in the rest because I am tired. 

I just want to be a mom that promotes peace and honors you in raising my children. 

I don't deserve them, 

but in your wisdom, you gave them to me. 

And I know that if you gave them to me, 

then you will give me the wisdom to raise them to your glory. 
I'm counting on that this week.

Day 342: In One Week

In one week, we get to bring home our kitten.

In one week, we get to bring home our kitten.

In one week, we get to bring home our kitten.

In one week, we get to bring home our kitten.

In one week, we get to bring home our kitten.

I'm kind of excited.

Begin Operation Kitty-Proof!

Oh, my kids are gonna flip!

Day 341: God Provides

Case in point.

When there is a need, God provides.

When I got home from all my errands yesterday, I had a voicemail waiting from another semi-employer. I had worked for The Children's Place on Black Friday, and I have a good relationship with people there. I spoke with the manager there letting her know my predicament, and she told me that she could see if she had any hours that I could have there.

She did.

When there is a need, God provides.

It may not be the perfect solution, but it's one that He has provided thus far. I'll take it. I will rejoice in it.

Lord, thank you for getting me through this week.

I know it's not over, but you've already gone before me.